dksm: (Chucks)
[personal profile] dksm
I feel like I have to write this somewhere. I doubt anyone still reads this LJ since I don't update it anymore. But here goes.

Almost four years ago, I had just helped win a Presidential campaign (awesome), was unemployed (not awesome) and bored. A guy friend and I went to the movies and saw Twilight. It was entertaining, I liked the actors but it wasn't my like favorite thing ever. However, I really, really loved a song they played in it. A song I googled when I got home and found out was actually sung by Rob Pattinson. Googling more Rob songs led to stumbling upon the Vanity Fair shoot..and well a shipper was born. Probably didn't hurt that I had a lot of time on my hands to pursue that hobby.

I'm not really here to talk about that history, just that when I first was around, I liked Rob more. I paid attention to him more (he was my unemployment role model, remember?). But that next summer, I became a fan of Kristen and no longer just because she was dating Rob. I related to her awkwardness in public situations. I related to not always saying the right thing. I admired her audacity to be herself. And I admired her stance on her privacy.

Which is why two days ago was the biggest WTF in history. I don't get it, you don't get, none of us get it. But I don't think we are supposed to. I doubt SHE really gets it. But here is the thing...the thing that surprised even me. I still am still going to be a fan of Kristen Stewart.

Yes I'm disappointed and pissed and feel like she maybe ruined a lot of things. But fuck...she ruined a lot of her own things. Real people that are in her life are way more disappointed and pissed than I (or any fan) could ever be. But at the end of the day, as a fan I have to realize that real people are not perfect (and hopefully the people that know her also realize this). Real people make mistakes. And as much as we may have thought her perfect, Kristen Stewart is a real person. A 22 year old girl who has an enormous amount of pressure on her, her relationship, her career. And maybe something had to give...and that is where she cracked. I really don't think it is my business to know the full reason. That is for her and Rob and for others in her life to know.

I've been lucky to never be cheated on, nor have I ever cheated on someone, so maybe that would change my opinion. But I actually hope it would not, because people make mistakes everyday. And if we just turned our backs on people when they fuck up, there would be no people around us. I know I fucked up a time or two when I was 22, who hasn't. I have fucked up a time or two now..and I'm 30. To err is human.

Her statement on the situation was unpolished, had nothing to do with her career, and was incredibly open. It wasn't an apology to me. It wasn't an apology to you. It was pretty much and apology to the only person that really needed and deserved one at that moment. It only made me hope that she understands her actions have consequences and that she is taking the steps to fix them. And I honestly hope that her and Rob can work past this because even now I think that what they have can make it. Love is messy and hard and it isn't fucking like the movies.

But at the end of the day, if they part ways. I'm still going to cheer both of them on. And my heart will kind of break for both of them. But more than anything I hope that that amazing girl who was so real and made me love her as a fan, I hope she comes back. Maybe a little more world weary, maybe a little less outspoken, and hopefully wiser and mature...but I hope she's still in there. Because I miss her already.

Date: 2012-07-27 12:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I feel the same way bb.

Today I'm feeling a bit better after the initial shock (I felt ill...), but I think what's making me sad today is just the world has turned upside down. Every pic I see of her, every video that I loved to watch... it stings. Not in a 'I hate her' kind of way, because I don't. And I don't think I ever can. I think I've always identified with her, and right now instead of anger I'm just so, so sad for her. Whatever brought her to those actions, she could never have imagined it would unfold with THIS magnitude.

I miss her too, and the way I used to feel looking at pics of her and Rob. I hope with time (whether or not they work through it) that I can get that giddy fangirly feeling back when I see either of them being silly in an interview.


Date: 2012-07-27 12:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yeah, I feel you on the fact that things are reminding me and I legit cannot look at a photo of her without being sad. And yeah, whatever brought her to do that...I hope she figured it out. I just don't see her as malicious so if it was cracking under pressure or whatever, I hope she gets what she needs to deal with it.

Lots of hugs back.
(deleted comment)

Date: 2012-07-27 01:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I agree. We all make mistakes, stupid mistakes we wish we could take back the second they happened. We all have fears and doubts and sometimes we are strong enough to not give in and other times, we are not.

This sooooo much.

I think you are right about her statement. Because she could have not made a statement or made a less specific one. But she completely owned up to what she did and who she hurt the most. And to me, for Kristen to be so super open about their relationship in that...that to me meant the most. She was very specific and I think she knew she had to be.

Date: 2012-07-27 01:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
We've been there from the beginning so it hurts the most.

Will I be her fan? Not right now. Being a fan of someone's work is different than how I was her fan. Like you I identified with her being awkward and speaking her mind. I was her fan because I thought she had a good head on her shoulders, and wasn't going to let the pressure of her position get to her.

Do I fault her that it did? I guess not. But I do fault her 100% for destroying herself, Robs heart and self-esteem, and a young family.

Did she enjoy the attentions of an older suave married man? No doubt she did. Married men can seem attractive because they have made the commitment girls long for. But open your FUCKING eyes Stewart, Rob was that man for you. Why throw it all away on lust?

She deserves to suffer because she caused suffering. I don't hate her or like her because I don't know her.

Date: 2012-07-27 02:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I totally respect your opinion on this. Like I said, I'm surprised with how I feel about this so how you feel is understandable.

Frankly, however people feel about her because of this is fine with me unless it is super mean and nasty (and really just girls tearing down other girls) or it just the people who always hated her being assholes.

Date: 2012-07-27 06:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm feeling the same. The most prominent feeling I have and that I've seen other people voice is the fact that it just seems so unlike her. And you're right, it isn't anyone's business to know the reason except her and Rob and those close to her. I just wish she hadn't done it. I really really wish she hadn't given in.

Like you and Kate above, I miss her too. Already when I see a picture of her, I squirm. I cringe. And it makes me sad that this is how I now see her. I do hope that she and Rob work things out, whether or not they stay together is yet to be seen.

I don't know if I can be a fan of hers still, not when it looking at pictures of her makes me cringe. I hope that'll change one day but who knows. I used to be so amped to see OTR and excited for new projects... now I just don't care. And don't even get me started on BD2.

I once hardcore shipped Britney/Justin (yeah I know, wtf right?) as a 14 year old and it broke my heart when that fell apart. This feels like deja vu all over again but much much worse.

Edit: I just read through my comment again and just want to say that I'll still be a fan of Kristen's after this. I sounded so harsh and I was just mad at her. Shit happens. People makes mistakes.
Edited Date: 2012-07-30 06:26 am (UTC)

Date: 2012-07-31 08:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Totally understand. You totally had the right to be super angry.

It does seem so unlike her but I don't think we'll know the reason why.


Date: 2012-07-27 04:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Which is why two days ago was the biggest WTF in history. I don't get it, you don't get, none of us get it. But I don't think we are supposed to. I doubt SHE really gets it.

Thank you for writing this. Reading everyone's thoughts helps try to make sense of things. Mine are still so disjointed.

Date: 2012-07-31 08:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I think that is how it is going to be. Even I feel like I have differing views on the situation at different times.

Life is messy.

Date: 2012-07-31 09:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I should check LJ more often these days. Feel like I haven't been on forever.

My emotions were flying high when the pics broke out, maybe because cheating is someting I have a huge problem with. I've seen what it does and it's a sore spot.

But I calmed down after a day or two. It's not my life and ultimately doesn't affect me, even if it makes me a bit sad to see it end that way.

I don't hate Kristen. I'm just really disappointed. Everyone make mistakes, whatever the reasons are. I just wish hers hadn't been something like that that hurt R, L, the kids, and herself too. I believe she's sorry and regret everything. What they'll do now is up to them. I'll still be a fan, whatever it is.

I think, at this point, it's just some fan's reactions that irk me/piss me off. On every side, whether it's the name calling by some Robsessed fans or the krisbian trying to turn this on rob.


Date: 2012-07-31 08:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yeah, I am totally there. I'm more disappointed than anything.

Fans' reactions are super pissing me off. I think everyone had very strong reactions at the beginning that you could not fault anyone for. And even now there are people that say they are done with her and I respect that as long as they don't go into full on bashing mode. It is people like you said, the people who are name calling, putting all the blame on her (because she's the girl and she should know better), or frankly were always waiting for an excuse and got a pretty big one. Or the people trying to put it on Rob (how even?). I never understand hating someone so if I don't like someone or stop liking someone, I just move along. These people are just vicious. People like to kick others when they are down.


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